i slipped up

i did. i 'had' her, i was with her, we were happy it was fun and she was amazing and i wanted to be good to her and it was great. but she said forever, and that she couldn't be without me, so i freaked, and i had to go away, because i can't have forever with our history. but i can't have forever without her, it sucks. so i tried a clean break, i told her some of it, and broke up, and went for the scorched earth tactic...because if we'd still be talking i'd stay in love with her until something would make me stop talking to her, so i can't be around her, but i want to.
i have one thing i have to ask of her, which i know i can't, to find a good guy, a nice guy, someone better than me, so she'll be happy, and have her forever.
well, i wouldn't believe it, but i'm alone again, unnaturally.

The Jar. MY Jar.

Sometimes all I want is just a jar of dreams. A litterel, yet poetic, jar full of dreams.
Why? Because it's simple and it's brilliant and it would make me happy, very very happy.
You see my jar would have everything I stand for my hopes, my dreams. it would hold with in it and also symolis the person I want to be, the person I might one day be being.
I can talk all day, every day, about wanting to change. But that jar, that would be the prodect of my starting to change.

So I think I might start filling a jar with notes of dreams. I'll open it at the last day of summer, not to check what I have done. But to check what I might try to do next year. I like this plan.

The Labyrinth (of suffering)

The way out is straight and fast, that's not new. But the real point of the book is how to survive the labyrinth. i like it, i like the idea that forgiveness is the way to cope with with life and loss. but the things is i have never been any good at that i just box the labyrinth, and any other feeling i have and a little box and hide it.
i don't react to emotions the normal way and i don't face things. not towards me or anyone else.
people say that i am unforgiving, and i am. i expect highly of myself and anyone i consider trustworthy. just like i wouldn't forgive me i wouldn't forgive anyone else just like 'that'. people have to prove that they've learnt from their mistakes to be forgiven, they need to prove that they are better. forgiveness that is arbitrary is not sincere and when i forgive someone i want to mean it not just say it.

so that's my point, sometimes you need to be stuck, suffering, in the labyrinth in order to earn your survival.

if...

if i got smart with you how would you know?
if i got rid of you would you still be there?
if you jumped i'd laugh.
if he was him then would they be?
if i were me would  you care to see the difference?
if you would just walk away quietly i'd be ecstatic
if i were to disappear would anyone notice?
if you really care you would have never come back
the thing is...when you play dumb you usually win!
if it's doesn't concern me then why is it there?
if the bell doth toll for thee what is your plan?
if it's all dull how do you stir the pot?
if at first you don't succed, maybe you just suck.

tormenting myself

so i found that facebook keeps inbox messages even after they're deleted and i stupidly checked...and well that sucked. it's not that i feel pain or depression it's just that it sucks that i can finely prove it and i'm still the one alone.
so i decided to commemorate my feelings and the text so that the whole none of you can see it. i really hope that this is the last i'll be writing on this subject, but i can't promise that because i'm alone and every now and again i get lonely so i think it's ok that it comes up sometimes, because it's not a crippling reality anymore it's a faded memory of me being someone i used to be, someone i'm not proud i was, someone from whom i measure my progress and to whom i compare my faults.

now comes a statement with no connection to any of the rest of it then the text.
i've been a jerk to a lot of people, none of which i am sorry for by the way. i drove off people for a reason and i stand by it. i am sorry for me though, because the person i was acting started leaking into who i was, who i am and that sucks, and it's not fair to me.

the text:
her:yeah, i did...i thought that you understood last time we talked...i start talks from this kind in this kind of situation with you from 2 reasons:
1. i'm super mega bored...
2. there is no one really online...
so kinda yeah....you were stupid enough to think that this time was "different"...and yeah, i got what i wanted...to have a laugh with my bro in here...your messages are super duper "emotionally" funny xDDD
funny how innocent you actually are...and how hard it is for you to pretend being careless and heartless...and how pathetic it looks when you actually bother writing here whole novels about how i "hurted" your feelings...(which suddenly appeared...just like this, out of nowhere xDD)....it's pathetic seeing you in love...you should consider stop doing it...you're not very good at it...you really should get back to physics...at least you're good at something.
and i forgot the best part...you actually believe that you hate me that much even tho every time i click my fingers you come back to me running like a fucking puppy telling me how much you love me? xDD
me:you're wrong again...the only thing i did wrong here was ever think something positive of a bitter bitch like you...you were right when you mentioned jimmy...you guys are perfect....he's an ass hole you're a cruel manipulator...it'll work.
the thing is i'm vindicated...none of this crap was my fault...the things i thought and heard about you before i got to know your lies where right...you play people...you're cold and you don't deserve warmth...and sense this was all a game for you trying to hurt me...you succeeded...but you failed, everything i felt bad about is gone...you aren't worth the oxygen burnt while thinking about you let alone complex genuine feelings, i hope you get what you deserve
her:I might be a manipulator...but i turned you into a person...and alot of people told me thanks.
you were a game for me...a little cute soldier...it was fun, i admit...but the game is over...time to throw it away..and so i did :))
and don't worry about me...i'll get alllllll i deserve...i actually get all i want...and you know it...so don't worry :)))
and i might be a cold bitch...but it's better than being a geeky gay overemotioned baby like you :))
and yes, Jimmy is alot better than you...in all sides, in all meanings...shame that you'll never be like him...never have friends, never have real fun, never actually live that life...keep study...maybe your geekness will give you the little something you can make out of your little pathetic life.
and you know why i played in you?
you were an easy target...so easy to manipulate you...so i did it...and so many other people will do...i'm sure in that :))
actually....there is one more thing you're good at...being a little soldier...a toy xD

there were previous ones..and once upon a time a word doc with all the texts and all the I.M-s and pics and all that jazz...but i deleted that for my own good, although i think it's still out there somewhere...but whatever i'm done with this crap.

my confession

1. I am sometimes selfish, i don't always give as much as i get.

2. I don't communicate enough for people to understand or know what I'm saying or who i am.

3. I am often spiteful and can find great joy in sticking to my guns though i understand and emphasis with the opposing route.

4. I am not forgiving. I do not allow for others errors that i see and hate in myself. I don't always except time's bud of me.

5. I sometimes forget to see people as i ask them to see me, i don't let some be full humans and ends in and of themselves in my mind's eye.

So those are some of mine, what are yours?

An answer, you owe me that much.

There was a hole where you were meant to be.  When you left and I was sad I felt a hole, and then when you bent me over and tore me a new one and I was mad there was an acid burn and I was hurt. And then you came back, you came back and you tried to bridge something you didn't know was there

Can I explain what you did wrong? You forgot to account for change, we were, and I'll admit that for a portion of it, it was good, and then we weren't and we aren't. You forgot to account for change, that you changed and I changed and I don't believe that we fit anymore. Something changed for you, so you ran scared to what you thought was good, was once good, and that's normal, but it's not ok by me. I'm a person, I have real feeling and wants and opinions, and I am not a consolation prize, I am not someone to fall back on when all else has failed, I have changed, and I deserve better than being the rebound. If you want things to change, change them or let them be. If you want me around then account for change, respect that it’s a new dynamic and create something new. And for god's sake stop being such a bitch about it, I've known you to be better, if you want to start something new begin with that, be better.

and that's it: "just breath and call me when you're sober"

why?!

the next couple of posts are letters i will never send to my ex. the context is that she came back, she tried bridging our problem...i told her to shove it...but i wrote these anyways.

I get it, you don't like nerds, that's fine, I always saw it, that you didn't respect me, or the way I am, I get it. But you owe me an explanation, you owe me that much, because you came back to me, twice, or you tried, what were you thinking, that since you are I am? That the world can be seen through your mirror?! You came back twice, to do what? To insult me?!  To remind yourself who I am? Who I was to you? Because you didn't get that, on the best day we've had you didn't get the real me, and that's why it was crappy, because we talked so much, and you didn't know me, and you still don't. You came back twice, I don't like you, but that still means something, why? Why did you come back? What did you expect? What do you want from me, I tried giving you what I thought you needed, a clean break, and that didn't work, and messy did, so I did that for you, even though it felt horrible to me, so what do you want from me? What the hell is your problem that you have to be like that towards me?

why i have to change.

people look at me, but they don't see me, and they don't care to, they think that the smile, or the persistent frown say what i feel, they think that i'm as transparent as they would be if they were me, were facing what i am, could think like i do.
of course this is where the but comes, they aren't, and i'm not,and i don't and they don't.

i'm far more twisted than i seem, and i could psycho-analyze the crap out of me to say why, but i don't think that would help, so i don't.
you need proof?! i'm never sad when people around me dye, i'm mad at them for dying. and i;m never mad at people who leave, i petty them for being week. i don't smile when i'm happy, i don't cry when i'm sad or in pain, i cry when i'm mad i smile when i'm in pain and i am blank when I'm sad.
people condescend over me, they say: "he's sad" "he's ungrateful" "he's perfect, or at least he was meant to be" but no one bothers to really see me.

so i have to change, or at least i want to, i need to be see through or maybe just empty, i need to connect more, or at least try, i need to be me,the real me,in front of people, or at least an image.

i need to stand tough and not let the world change me, not my passion or my compassion.
and most of all i need to be!

and when your heart begins to bleed you're dead and dead, and dead indeed

you don't get to be dieing! I'm very competitive and i can't let you be dieing faster than me so you don't get to win you have to get better, now!

Shelter

people seem to think a lot of things, but mostly i don't know what they think, mostly i just guess as to what i think they stereotypically think.
for example, as much as i hate it when people assume that all/most guys are slutty i hate it when girls think that because I'm a guy, or because I'm this guy (e.g. the way i look, the way i talk, what i talk about, the way i stand) that i am *something*.
a lot of the time i guess what people would say if i told them *something* and it's not because I'm afraid what they'll think of me, it's because if i tell people the blunt truth and they accept it then i am responsible for a chain of events that probably wouldn't have happened otherwise.
so i shelter people, i don't tell them what i think, or what i know to be true, i don't tell them the grim past or the dim future and i constantly belittle myself so that they can't assume I'm hiding something.
i talk fast and in a quite voice, i hunch and i stammer and i always try to be a beta-person.
and yes evidently and progressively these things became a habit and a constant, and I'm mostly ok with that (except the hunch, i hate the hunch) but sometimes i feel like people see me for a second, and they freak out, or they seem to, so i play crazy or just walk away without ever being the me i am to me.

so i make the epic mistake the Beatles told the world about, I'm the fool who plays it cool by making my world a colder place, and i sometimes see that and hate me for it, so i listen to P!nk and change the voices in my head and make them like me instead (but then how is it that i still sometimes chart my day by exposure levels to H.E.R?)

anyways i should stop fugging procrastinating and actually do something today...kbye :D

People, my two cent philosophy of the month and the comma apocalypse

I've been thinking lately: I've never really needed people, they were there when they where and not when they weren't, but I've only had a few that I cared whether or not I talked to them that specific day, that week that month...

I don't have that anymore; I don't have people to have conversations with. People are there when I need some entertainment at school, whether it's just so I can find something to do so I help them or I listen or entertainment, seldom have they actually done something, and the rest is just me being alone (not necessarily lonely) and music and movies and books.

And I kind of want people that I can care about, that can care for me. in this life, in this place I don't see that happening now, I don't have much in common to talk to with people that are around and I don't know how to find new people, I've tried a few things but no one that was really needed came up...

I'm not talking about girls and love, I mean I want that, but not now, not like this, right now I just want people, because I'm sick of the idea that a girl will fix me, that love will fix the world, right now, all I need is to stop being numb, or to stop being needed with no need, or maybe I'm not, but something has to change, fast.

So this is sort of pointless, but it all is, isn't it?

What I've been thinking of philosophically is: space and time, need, miracles, words and dreams.

Space and time (physics rant): because if subscribe to the concept that space is expanding equally (with no preferred direction) from the point of singularity to what it is at every time sense I have a connection to make between universal fabric and time.

Space by this idea is either a sphere or less likely a ball of matter and non matter expanding through nothing and making it into space. This means that each point we choose to look at I only in that place in that time and for every other time it is in a different place and for every other place it is in a different time. This is not just a general understanding of causality but in fact a new system to work from, not Einstein's space-time but in fact just space or time, with them being the exact thing. so not only can we look at all matter as a 4 dimensional linear tube of existence but also as a one dimensional space/time axis...and I think that's cool :D

Need (see my aforementioned rant) above!

miracles: so I've been reading this book "Darwin on the Ilone Darom" (Ilone Darom being a road near Tel-Aviv) and in it two people who fit each other like gloves rapping each other on sort of a mobious strip (each one is a glove that covers the other and is covered by the other), none the less there is a whole lot of drama, self doubt and hate around this because they're both married...

but that and a quote from Watchmen got me thinking, we take the everyday unusual miracles for granted, two people meeting each other, that perfect someone that was born through so many odds suggesting they shouldn't have been and meeting you when you needed them to and were ready for them, or not. a rock that drifted through so much just to be crushed for pebbles that where cemented into the wall I see, a rock that might have seen history in the making, but is now just a solid wall...and so on.

now I'm not saying that there is a being making this happen, but I'm not saying otherwise, there's no rational reason to pick one and so to each I say: "pick that which comforts you when you feel it" (and also: "shut up about it, you're not superior for your choice").

But I'm saying that sometimes it's nice to just sit back and see how beautiful the world is and how enormous the odds against it being how it is are.

Dreams: I think it is well established that dreams are the way the unconscious mind works out problems and projects the day that has been had. but in all I see there's a problem, whether it focuses mainly on the big things, which I remember happening a lot to me when I was younger but alas I don't remember dreams anymore, or on the little things and words said and ignored of forgotten, as if it's their revenge for being shut out.

Words: I like words, you know this, I speak a lot and I've just written way way too much, but I have a problem:

Words kill ideas, an idea is free to grow as long as it is not uttered or written, as long as it has no name, and thus cannot be misnamed or inappropriately explained, it is pure and true while it's not cemented.

but when we name it when we use a faulty syllogism on it or try and explain it we ruin it, for us and for others, and I'm never sure whether quieting the mind and the soul and commemorating the idea by wording it out and showing it in text or in speech is better than its being real and true and pure and silent.

So...I've written enough for now... hope it was bearable… alonzie Alonzo

second chances?

this is where i break my promise about not talking about her...
so yeah, I've been racking my head trying to make sense of this:
I've been helping a guy who claims to be a friend with tips about her, awesome -.-
she apparently heard from several sources that i think of the two months we were together as bad.
she sent me a text blaming me of this (for which i will say that i have said something to that extent to people who asked but only regarding her and the break up not the time before) and saying that she differs.
the next day the supposed friend tells me that she told him she wants to be friends with me again and a different friend said that she is planning to get back together with me.
i confronted her of this and told her very politely to shove it. she was persistent and eventually said  something about second chances.

which brings us to the point. i made what i view to be a mistake, that i maintain was right to be made. i texted her that i am willing to try and be her friend, but only if she shows that she isn't a psycho bitch.
this basically being my trap, i mentioned it being "my game" which rules i make and duration i choose. on the other hand i also set up a catch twenty two trap because i stressed in the previous conversation that i don't play such games, meaning that she could well see the game was a set up.

luckily she has not, and apparently will not reply, hopefully my making the possibility of her being close to me seem hellish and not worth while, by playing an ass (that would suite my intelligence, instead of a dumb-ass), will result in her leaving me the frack alone.

if this fails i shall have to consider the bedrock of this post giving her an honest to god second chance.
now while i do believe in second chances, and that people change (in a precise velocity of one second's worth of change per second, being a consequentialist and all) i do have a problem with this option.
she hurt me, a lot, and she played me for a foul, and she very well may do so again.
i don't want the girl i knew around anymore, and plus she is dating a guy who used to be my best friend, and is an a** hole and as a friend i really wouldn't want to hear about that.

so here is my question to you (and me): does she deserve the benefit of the doubt? give her a second chance?

my initial though is "hell no!" (as demonstrated above) but if i am correct i will fold, if she will continue to try, though i might have closed that option :D

also i really wish i were in nerdfighterlike instead of drowning in stupid self perpetuated teenage drama.

and on that note i'll end yet another useless rant, remember people are ends of their own and not just means in your games, so don't play games with people as pawns.

Update

So lately I've been generally up to nothing, I have just come to the realization that I don't want to continue studying in the university and so I am keeping on with my laboratory work but other than that all I am considering taking next semester is philosophy or psychology if I'm aloud to do so.

I have finally gotten familiar with video editing software (windows movie maker is good enough for me) and I got my mic to work so I'm all set to start vlogging a bit more often.

I've started getting more connected in the nerdfighter community, i.e. joined the ning looked into projects and made friends on it and outside of it through nerdfighter friendly sources.

And lastly I've lunched a new project for myself, sense I am not currently dating, studying too harshly or engaging in extreme sports surpassing walking or biking to and from school I need something to do.

instead of wasting my time doing nothing like hang around town all day or spend every waking moment on the computer I decided I would start working harder on being me, sense I am the only one qualified I should be good at it, right? I want to read more books, start taking care of my body a bit more, and of course keep on with my physics although I am not a student anymore.

I found that almost all the great books I could wish for are in a library 2 minutes from my school that I have a pass to for a year sense I am still a student and so I am going to lone books from there.

A friend of mine and I are staring to work out together because he needs to get fit so he can be a pilot and I feel like my body is useless right now.

I've decided to look for nerfighterlike/inter-nerdial-like that means I am going to find a girl that I really connect with, that I am attracted to, that will feel the same about me, this is not as immediate, but I feel that I am over she who I once knew and that is what I want in the next girl I will care for, so yeah I want a nerdy relationship, not out of choice but most likely long distance, and I'd like to think that if I set that as a goal, on the back burner, it will eventually happen :D

Lastly I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while, but then again there's no one reading this so I don't feel obligated to, I hope my writing is a bit better, and that this will eventually be read :D

CIAO! 

Oh and P.S. I'm getting my older brother's room pretty soon so I'm working on a schematic for it (how deliciously nerdy of me :D)

movie review- freebie

well I'll just premise this by saying why i chose this movie seeing how I've been on a RSL craze lately it doesn't make much sense does it? well it speaks to me.

i mean see this: last night i tried helping a friend of mine "get with" my ex while fending off my ex best friend who i didn't want her to meet (although i did make that happen about in the middle of the duration of the relationship) and so relationships or on my mind again, and also i just find the movie has a god awful idea at it's core so i want to talk about it.
I'll also add that i really really hate Dax Shepard, i don't know if it's his face, Punk'd or Employee Of The Month, but just as an actor i really don't like him, so excuse me if I'm brutal.

So the break down of this movie is simple, we have the couple, they are in a non intimate loving relationship an come to realize that they are to young to stop wanting other people, they choose a night to both get laid, and they do.

the whole conflict of the story, at the base of it, is: can they trust one another and can they have their loving joyous relationship and have sexual partners on the side, openly? well that's what you'd expect.
but the story has a few twists, and i say no way do they stay honest and happy together. we see both of them finding someone to be with and we see it happening and we assume that it happened, we see that they did. after that they are both full of malice and distrust and so much anger and to fix it, instead of the way they should've in the beginning openly and honestly and with a unity to stay together they lie, or at least it seems they do, and sense the whole movie is about lying and facing things without a real notion of truthfulness the ending does not present a happy ever after scenario, in fact it's a literary open ending, the conflict is not solved and so we each choose what we believe to happen or believe is comforting without guidance other than how we are.

so here are my two endings:
1. they decide to try and openly work it out, there is hate and hurt but they eventually tell the truth and there's heart brake but they work through it to a semi functioning marriage which exists with the pain but also with new trust and love-lust.
2. they keep deceiving they are blissed out on each other for a few weeks and then it blows up in their faces and they brake up.

and that's it, the review went "meh-ish" but I'm summing the movie up with a 3 star on my list, i don't like it but it does have some thought provoking points, the acting did fit the idea but i still hate Dex and it's back to my Robert Sean Leonard marathon (re-screening of swing kids, dead poets society, house episodes and a few new movies...)
have a great weekend world :D 

the end of venting

why I'm writing this? well i can't and won't say it to her, I've been pining over her and I've been mad and sad and alone and voiceless, and this is my voice where i have freedom to have it heard, i know that writing it where she won't find it is contraindicated seeing as it's addressed to her, but her knowing what i ave to say won't change a thing, it's not about her and it's not really meant for her, it's so that i don't have it floating in my head i.e. venting :D

so here is the problem, you blamed me, you broke up with me, and i loved you so much that i tried getting you to take me back, and i was right, but the anger that had built up wouldn't let me just go back, so it fluxed back into the shape you chose, and then you blamed me.

even after you blamed me you wanted us to be friends, you said we were "best friends for a couple months" and we were close but the way we were was wrong you kept acting as if i owed you something or as if you owned me, you strangled me in your bubble and wouldn't let me move on.

for so long i struggled with what you said, that it was my fault, that we were close, that you owned me, and i knew it was wrong then and it's still wrong and now i finally find myself wanting to move on because i have a right to find someone that makes me happy, or not even to find but to at least know that there is and be willing to search and willing to except if i find someone.

I'm sick of being mad, of seeing you and be flooded with these feelings of hate, and I'm sick of you being the only person of which i have memories of connection and joy and togetherness.

i deserve better than how you treated me, i deserve better than how you were to me and how you payed with me, i deserve people better than you, and I'm sick and tired of ever knowing you.

you were my first love, and now you will be the first person i will ever forget, the first person who's face means nothing and whose emotions and mental capacity are squat, i hope you have a good life and i hope you get what you deserve and i sincerely hope you grow out of playing with people, they deserve a better side of you, and i did and now you're gone forever, bye.

What'll fix me (?)

(this is the first post written specifically in this blog)
So yeah, the topic is very simple: "what will fix me", so that you can fully see what i mean by that I'll take you back to why i consider myself broken (at least the relevant parts).

I am and always have been some what isolated, but in my time i have met six people i have felt i could talk to, freely, without worry. Two of them where my best friends Jimmy and Gil, two others were my last and only ex: Nataly. The thing is about these connections is that they are destructive, at the end of the day the people i connect to this way are ville an hurtful and if it weren't for the ease of the connection i would've never even let them get close.
I am broken because the only people i let close hurt me, because she played with and stomped on my heart, because he is boozy and a stone-er that i needed to make excuses for, who's mess i cleaned up and who i had to take care of, because when ever i felt good about anything in my life he'd make it seems middle and useless.
So yeah,I'm broken because I'm alone and i alienate people and one of the only people i ever let close, the only girl i ever loved, kicked my heart and twisted me in notts and made me feel like it was all my fault, and i have yet to find a way to fix the scars.

what will fix me:
every time in my life when i was in trouble I'd find something to focus on and it would guide me through, my skating, sports, music, school, friends, etc'. but the thing is, i still love her, I've said it before, i love the girl i knew and i love the way we were, but that's not Nataly and I'm not who i was, but i think the only thing that would make it all ok again, is hugging her like we did (only once -.-') and sleeping in her arms and hearing her tell me it'll be ok, because even though i don't believe good things happen to good people, they will with her.
So i have a few choices: just hope things will work out eventually, try to off myself(again...not gonna happen), fix things with her (yeah, i don't think so) or rebound and maybe try to find a new connection.

I honestly can't think of anything to fix me, not saying that I'm beyond repair or that I'm giving up, but i don't see how a social out cast like me gets out of this. so i started working with new media to maybe find people who can relate or help, but that'll take some time, so i guess I'll go back to the same tactic i had when i met Nataly (a little bit of crazy mixed in with people i have yet to really know) and hope that some one will find me interesting.

as always DFTBA and best wishes :D

This Home

This home is not a safe one, and by definition not a home, this is a place of anger and yelling and pain and then of hate and silence and misery in discomfort.

A home is supposed to be a place for comfort, and shelter and united morals meant to better the environment, but this one is not. It the place we are supposed to fall back on when the rest of the world is crumbling, but instead it is just as decayed and destroyed and foul as any soiled corner of every street in any slum, it is only here until we have the resources to get out of here, and every waking minute I'm here I wish I weren't.

love, lose, belated needs

Today, like so many others I needed the girl I love to be there for me, but she doesn't exist anymore, at least not where I know to look…you see even when the people you love move on or fade out or leave or change you still love them, it's just that the people you associated them with aren't the same anymore. Some weeks ago the girl I loved for so long left me, and then she came back and stepped on my heart until I couldn't take it anymore, so there is an absolute radio silence, and the f-ed up thing is that I still love the girl I did before, I just love someone I haven't met yet, and might never get to, the girl that left me isn't the girl I love, and I am not the boy that loved her, but those people still exist somewhere else in the universe, and I owe it to myself to be the very best version of myself so that when I meet the people I should be around I am worth their sticking around, to find someone you love you've got to be someone you love…

so many people are dead

For most of us this is a just a day, for some this is a day like no other.

A lot of the people I admire are those who in the face of life's pains found a way to with hold the immensity and take over their fears and doubts, the people that let the tide take them to fortune without changing who they are or their definition of good and bad.

The problem with life is not that the end result is know, you die…but the point is to enjoy what you do have, to help others when you can, and to inspire goodness by example and by leadership at times and retreat when necessary. My problem with life is that while we are alive so many bad things happen and so many hurtful and spiteful moments and people arise, it seems incredible to me that so many people mange to fight past it, I have seen death and tragedy and blind hate, and an array of ways to face them, but the grace it takes to hold your head up high, every day, knowing what you've lost  and live your life when you have seen the amount of people who are no longer offered the opportunity to do so.