i slipped up

i did. i 'had' her, i was with her, we were happy it was fun and she was amazing and i wanted to be good to her and it was great. but she said forever, and that she couldn't be without me, so i freaked, and i had to go away, because i can't have forever with our history. but i can't have forever without her, it sucks. so i tried a clean break, i told her some of it, and broke up, and went for the scorched earth tactic...because if we'd still be talking i'd stay in love with her until something would make me stop talking to her, so i can't be around her, but i want to.
i have one thing i have to ask of her, which i know i can't, to find a good guy, a nice guy, someone better than me, so she'll be happy, and have her forever.
well, i wouldn't believe it, but i'm alone again, unnaturally.

The Jar. MY Jar.

Sometimes all I want is just a jar of dreams. A litterel, yet poetic, jar full of dreams.
Why? Because it's simple and it's brilliant and it would make me happy, very very happy.
You see my jar would have everything I stand for my hopes, my dreams. it would hold with in it and also symolis the person I want to be, the person I might one day be being.
I can talk all day, every day, about wanting to change. But that jar, that would be the prodect of my starting to change.

So I think I might start filling a jar with notes of dreams. I'll open it at the last day of summer, not to check what I have done. But to check what I might try to do next year. I like this plan.

The Labyrinth (of suffering)

The way out is straight and fast, that's not new. But the real point of the book is how to survive the labyrinth. i like it, i like the idea that forgiveness is the way to cope with with life and loss. but the things is i have never been any good at that i just box the labyrinth, and any other feeling i have and a little box and hide it.
i don't react to emotions the normal way and i don't face things. not towards me or anyone else.
people say that i am unforgiving, and i am. i expect highly of myself and anyone i consider trustworthy. just like i wouldn't forgive me i wouldn't forgive anyone else just like 'that'. people have to prove that they've learnt from their mistakes to be forgiven, they need to prove that they are better. forgiveness that is arbitrary is not sincere and when i forgive someone i want to mean it not just say it.

so that's my point, sometimes you need to be stuck, suffering, in the labyrinth in order to earn your survival.

if...

if i got smart with you how would you know?
if i got rid of you would you still be there?
if you jumped i'd laugh.
if he was him then would they be?
if i were me would  you care to see the difference?
if you would just walk away quietly i'd be ecstatic
if i were to disappear would anyone notice?
if you really care you would have never come back
the thing is...when you play dumb you usually win!
if it's doesn't concern me then why is it there?
if the bell doth toll for thee what is your plan?
if it's all dull how do you stir the pot?
if at first you don't succed, maybe you just suck.

tormenting myself

so i found that facebook keeps inbox messages even after they're deleted and i stupidly checked...and well that sucked. it's not that i feel pain or depression it's just that it sucks that i can finely prove it and i'm still the one alone.
so i decided to commemorate my feelings and the text so that the whole none of you can see it. i really hope that this is the last i'll be writing on this subject, but i can't promise that because i'm alone and every now and again i get lonely so i think it's ok that it comes up sometimes, because it's not a crippling reality anymore it's a faded memory of me being someone i used to be, someone i'm not proud i was, someone from whom i measure my progress and to whom i compare my faults.

now comes a statement with no connection to any of the rest of it then the text.
i've been a jerk to a lot of people, none of which i am sorry for by the way. i drove off people for a reason and i stand by it. i am sorry for me though, because the person i was acting started leaking into who i was, who i am and that sucks, and it's not fair to me.

the text:
her:yeah, i did...i thought that you understood last time we talked...i start talks from this kind in this kind of situation with you from 2 reasons:
1. i'm super mega bored...
2. there is no one really online...
so kinda yeah....you were stupid enough to think that this time was "different"...and yeah, i got what i wanted...to have a laugh with my bro in here...your messages are super duper "emotionally" funny xDDD
funny how innocent you actually are...and how hard it is for you to pretend being careless and heartless...and how pathetic it looks when you actually bother writing here whole novels about how i "hurted" your feelings...(which suddenly appeared...just like this, out of nowhere xDD)....it's pathetic seeing you in love...you should consider stop doing it...you're not very good at it...you really should get back to physics...at least you're good at something.
and i forgot the best part...you actually believe that you hate me that much even tho every time i click my fingers you come back to me running like a fucking puppy telling me how much you love me? xDD
me:you're wrong again...the only thing i did wrong here was ever think something positive of a bitter bitch like you...you were right when you mentioned jimmy...you guys are perfect....he's an ass hole you're a cruel manipulator...it'll work.
the thing is i'm vindicated...none of this crap was my fault...the things i thought and heard about you before i got to know your lies where right...you play people...you're cold and you don't deserve warmth...and sense this was all a game for you trying to hurt me...you succeeded...but you failed, everything i felt bad about is gone...you aren't worth the oxygen burnt while thinking about you let alone complex genuine feelings, i hope you get what you deserve
her:I might be a manipulator...but i turned you into a person...and alot of people told me thanks.
you were a game for me...a little cute soldier...it was fun, i admit...but the game is over...time to throw it away..and so i did :))
and don't worry about me...i'll get alllllll i deserve...i actually get all i want...and you know it...so don't worry :)))
and i might be a cold bitch...but it's better than being a geeky gay overemotioned baby like you :))
and yes, Jimmy is alot better than you...in all sides, in all meanings...shame that you'll never be like him...never have friends, never have real fun, never actually live that life...keep study...maybe your geekness will give you the little something you can make out of your little pathetic life.
and you know why i played in you?
you were an easy target...so easy to manipulate you...so i did it...and so many other people will do...i'm sure in that :))
actually....there is one more thing you're good at...being a little soldier...a toy xD

there were previous ones..and once upon a time a word doc with all the texts and all the I.M-s and pics and all that jazz...but i deleted that for my own good, although i think it's still out there somewhere...but whatever i'm done with this crap.

my confession

1. I am sometimes selfish, i don't always give as much as i get.

2. I don't communicate enough for people to understand or know what I'm saying or who i am.

3. I am often spiteful and can find great joy in sticking to my guns though i understand and emphasis with the opposing route.

4. I am not forgiving. I do not allow for others errors that i see and hate in myself. I don't always except time's bud of me.

5. I sometimes forget to see people as i ask them to see me, i don't let some be full humans and ends in and of themselves in my mind's eye.

So those are some of mine, what are yours?

An answer, you owe me that much.

There was a hole where you were meant to be.  When you left and I was sad I felt a hole, and then when you bent me over and tore me a new one and I was mad there was an acid burn and I was hurt. And then you came back, you came back and you tried to bridge something you didn't know was there

Can I explain what you did wrong? You forgot to account for change, we were, and I'll admit that for a portion of it, it was good, and then we weren't and we aren't. You forgot to account for change, that you changed and I changed and I don't believe that we fit anymore. Something changed for you, so you ran scared to what you thought was good, was once good, and that's normal, but it's not ok by me. I'm a person, I have real feeling and wants and opinions, and I am not a consolation prize, I am not someone to fall back on when all else has failed, I have changed, and I deserve better than being the rebound. If you want things to change, change them or let them be. If you want me around then account for change, respect that it’s a new dynamic and create something new. And for god's sake stop being such a bitch about it, I've known you to be better, if you want to start something new begin with that, be better.

and that's it: "just breath and call me when you're sober"