I've been thinking lately: I've never really needed people, they were there when they where and not when they weren't, but I've only had a few that I cared whether or not I talked to them that specific day, that week that month...
I don't have that anymore; I don't have people to have conversations with. People are there when I need some entertainment at school, whether it's just so I can find something to do so I help them or I listen or entertainment, seldom have they actually done something, and the rest is just me being alone (not necessarily lonely) and music and movies and books.
And I kind of want people that I can care about, that can care for me. in this life, in this place I don't see that happening now, I don't have much in common to talk to with people that are around and I don't know how to find new people, I've tried a few things but no one that was really needed came up...
I'm not talking about girls and love, I mean I want that, but not now, not like this, right now I just want people, because I'm sick of the idea that a girl will fix me, that love will fix the world, right now, all I need is to stop being numb, or to stop being needed with no need, or maybe I'm not, but something has to change, fast.
So this is sort of pointless, but it all is, isn't it?
What I've been thinking of philosophically is: space and time, need, miracles, words and dreams.
Space and time (physics rant): because if subscribe to the concept that space is expanding equally (with no preferred direction) from the point of singularity to what it is at every time sense I have a connection to make between universal fabric and time.
Space by this idea is either a sphere or less likely a ball of matter and non matter expanding through nothing and making it into space. This means that each point we choose to look at I only in that place in that time and for every other time it is in a different place and for every other place it is in a different time. This is not just a general understanding of causality but in fact a new system to work from, not Einstein's space-time but in fact just space or time, with them being the exact thing. so not only can we look at all matter as a 4 dimensional linear tube of existence but also as a one dimensional space/time axis...and I think that's cool :D
Need (see my aforementioned rant) above!
miracles: so I've been reading this book "Darwin on the Ilone Darom" (Ilone Darom being a road near Tel-Aviv) and in it two people who fit each other like gloves rapping each other on sort of a mobious strip (each one is a glove that covers the other and is covered by the other), none the less there is a whole lot of drama, self doubt and hate around this because they're both married...
but that and a quote from Watchmen got me thinking, we take the everyday unusual miracles for granted, two people meeting each other, that perfect someone that was born through so many odds suggesting they shouldn't have been and meeting you when you needed them to and were ready for them, or not. a rock that drifted through so much just to be crushed for pebbles that where cemented into the wall I see, a rock that might have seen history in the making, but is now just a solid wall...and so on.
now I'm not saying that there is a being making this happen, but I'm not saying otherwise, there's no rational reason to pick one and so to each I say: "pick that which comforts you when you feel it" (and also: "shut up about it, you're not superior for your choice").
But I'm saying that sometimes it's nice to just sit back and see how beautiful the world is and how enormous the odds against it being how it is are.
Dreams: I think it is well established that dreams are the way the unconscious mind works out problems and projects the day that has been had. but in all I see there's a problem, whether it focuses mainly on the big things, which I remember happening a lot to me when I was younger but alas I don't remember dreams anymore, or on the little things and words said and ignored of forgotten, as if it's their revenge for being shut out.
Words: I like words, you know this, I speak a lot and I've just written way way too much, but I have a problem:
Words kill ideas, an idea is free to grow as long as it is not uttered or written, as long as it has no name, and thus cannot be misnamed or inappropriately explained, it is pure and true while it's not cemented.
but when we name it when we use a faulty syllogism on it or try and explain it we ruin it, for us and for others, and I'm never sure whether quieting the mind and the soul and commemorating the idea by wording it out and showing it in text or in speech is better than its being real and true and pure and silent.
So...I've written enough for now... hope it was bearable… alonzie Alonzo
